Desistance Takes Time
We wish we could say that once our children desisted everything was fine and life went back to “normal.” For many of us, however, this isn’t the case. Desistance is a process that can often be difficult and painful for both the parents and the desisted child. Oftentimes, a child adopted a transgender identity as a maladaptive coping mechanism for underlying distress. Both the parents and the desisted child must understand and accept that this distress was related to difficulties they were maybe not even aware of. These difficulties do not just go away when a child desists. Oftentimes, a desisted child who was emotionally or mentally out of step with peers before is now even further behind, because they missed out on growth and developmental opportunities while trans-identified. A trans-identified child often places unreasonable demands on parents and siblings. There might have been serious conflict between every family member- the child, parents, siblings, and even extended family and friends. After desistance, relationships must be repaired and trust must be re-established. Parents sometimes say that the desistance of their child did not bring them the sense of relief they thought it would. This is because they now understand how vulnerable their child is. Sometimes there are not happy endings. But, the silver lining of hope is that because improving the relationship between parents and children is often one of the factors that can lead to desistance, many people report that their relationship has never been stronger.
My son is still struggling to fit in and still has depressive episodes but he is secure about being male.
Once on the treadmill of my trans journey my mental state degenerated into one of rumination, distraction and misery. Returning to reality may be hard at times but growing up and dealing with my problems has saved my sanity and future happiness.
Life isn't easy as a desisted teen but he looks forward to moving away and starting over.
I attempted suicide twice after desisting. It takes a long time to get through it.
We thought our son was fine after he desisted but he wasn't and eventually took his life. We wished we had known that he was still struggling.
My son wanted all photos of him with long hair removed. He said he was terribly embarrassed.
Desisting was not an overnight awakening, it was a long process that took nearly 2 years. When you have been living a lie every day of your life for over 9 years, it takes some time to extricate yourself from its clutches and reach a place of decent stability-.
She’s having problems finding non-lgbt and mentally healthy friends of her age.
She struggled for some time to find employment but has settled into something fruitful. I suspect she will have many struggles as she comes to learn the true horror of what has and is occurring. We refrain from dumping these truths on her and allow her the time to heal and understand.
Her struggles now are similar to her peers: navigating teen social life, deciding what to do in the future, deciding where to go to college. Anxiety is still a part of her life but it is not dominating her the way it was when she was trans identified.
My daughter doesn't want to talk about it. She has used the term "cringey" when recalling her trans-ID phase. For her, 6 years later, I think it must feel like it was a different person who went through that phase.
"I wasn’t in my body for over a year" she says now after her dad died. But back then she put it all in the political terms of the movement. I knew it was trauma related and still so mad at the shrinks who didn’t work on that front and center. She now says, “ I’m sorry I scared you. I’m back”
She has normal coming of age issues. Getting a job. Going to school. It all stunts her a bit.
It is very hard for her that so many kids in her generation cling to victim identities. She is confused about why the major institutions society are bringing harm to gay and autistic and vulnerable kids. She has had to deal with peers who use divisive, "us vs. them" language. She has good friends and is doing well, but she feels sad about what is happening to vulnerable kids.
I didn’t want to become a man, I just didn’t want to grow up. I wanted to be skinny like I was when I was a little girl.